Thoughts from a Musician's Heart

AGAIN AND AGAIN by Ella Golden 

Just as we learn in practice and pedagogy, repetition is key to effective learning. I thought this was just an educational and musical tool, but the Lord has claimed repetition as His preferred method of grabbing my attention.

Four years ago, when I was applying to undergraduate programs, I wore my heart’s desire on my sleeve. I desperately wanted to attend a conservatory and had the perfect one picked out. It promised a quality education, a launchpad for a vibrant career in classical music, and an existing, thriving Christian community. All signs pointed to this school as an excellent fit… until I got waitlisted.

I was pretty crushed. If you’ve ever been waitlisted, you know how not comforting it is to hear, “It’s not a ‘no’!” because it’s not really a “yes” either. The confusion, hurt, and anger left me exhausted, but my reluctance to surrender it to the Lord melted away as I remembered that God sees what I cannot. I released my death-grip on my future and sincerely told the Lord I trusted His plan for me.

In this case, only then did the Lord in His kindness allow me to be admitted to my dream school from the waitlist (ON decision day, mind you). This testimony was my constant creed throughout the rollercoaster of undergrad; what a valuable lesson I learned in trusting the care and timeliness of our Creator!

At least I thought I learned that lesson.

This year, I auditioned for master’s programs and again had a crystal-clear top choice school in mind. Come April, I received an email with my long-awaited status update aaaand… I got waitlisted. Again. All the questions from four years ago came flooding back. We Christians often remark that God opens and closes doors according to His will… why was this one left ajar?

Instead of feeling bitter, this time I searched for what He could possibly be teaching me. By God’s grace, I started noticing His repetitions. Around every corner, He relentlessly reminded me of the one word I most needed to hear: Shepherd. (Ironic—ahem, divinely orchestrated—because this story is about Rice University’s Shepherd School of Music.)

Psalm 23:1 – “The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want.”

If the Lord is my Shepherd, I am His sheep. Sheep, famously, are severely lacking in survival skills. They are extremely vulnerable, yet they tend to wander! They WANT instead of resting under the protection of their fiercely loving Shepherd, who cares for them continually. Repetitively.

I realized I was leaning on my own understanding of a familiar situation. I had worked hard in hopes that He would make my life easy this time, not trusted Him with all my heart and acknowledged Him in all my ways (Proverbs 3:5-6). As He shifted my perspective and posture, I once again released my death-grip on my future and thanked the Lord for His mercy on me, a sheep prone to wander.

Then He did it again. After I fully surrendered my hopes and dreams to the Lord, I was admitted off the waitlist. (ON decision day. Again.) Regardless of the outcome, I know God sought my heart first and showed me that He is in control no matter what.

I’m so thankful the Lord used both these periods of uncertainty and transition to draw me near to Himself and fan the flame of my faith. He is the sovereign, omniscient Orchestrator of all creation, especially His beloved sheep. The Lord my Shepherd leads me, and He is all I need.  

John 10:14-15 – “I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.”